Tuesday Talks: Forgiveness

The information provided here should never be used as an alternative to professional care. This post is merely intended as an informational guide. If you would like to speak with one of our counsellors, please call 222-7692 and we will be glad to assist you.

It's the holiday season and 2013 is drawing to a close. This Tuesday Talks post is going to be our last post on the blog for the year and we wanted to leave you with a little insight into forgiveness.

The new year is always associated with resolutions. The usual list is made up of promises to lose weight or spend less. Sometimes people make resolutions that regard changing an aspect about themselves, such as a promise to be more charitable or more spiritual. Have you ever considered, however, making a resolution to forgive?

What is it?

Forgiveness is an intentional choice to let go of negative feelings such as anger, betrayal or revenge. Refusing to forgive and keeping these negative emotions inside can lead to psychological stress, which can lead to mental health problems.

Many people think that forgiveness means excusing the person who has caused the hurt and restoring the relationship to the way it was before the incident. Indeed, while it might be the ideal, we understand that it is not always possible.

Throughout this post we are going to use use words like 'forgive', 'excuse' and 'reconcile', but since people have many different personal meanings for these actions, whenever we use these words, we are referring to them as defined by the American Psychological Association (APA).

To forgive: to choose to change negative emotions and attitudes toward an offender into neutral or positive ones
To condone: to fail to see the action as wrong and in need of forgiveness
To excuse: to not hold the other person responsible for the action
To forget: to stop actively thinking about the offence
To reconcile: to restore the relationship to its previous state

As you can see, forgiveness does not mean that you have to excuse the person who hurt you, or reconcile with them. It does not mean that you condone what was done to you, and while it might be a long time before you forget what happened, forgiveness is about willingly letting go of the negative feelings that you are experiencing.


What happens?

Humans are social animals. We need each other to feel happy and safe and fulfilled. Sometimes, however, we can be hurt by our social relationships. Did your sister borrow your car without asking and mash up the fender? Maybe your close friend accidentally told a personal secret of yours, and now everybody is whispering things behind your back? A lot of things can hurt us, from petty, everyday occurrences like impoliteness and impatience, to life-changing events like infidelity and divorce.

Divorce is generally a difficult life experience.
Can you forgive your ex-spouse?
Can your children forgive you?
Photo from divorcemagazinecanada.com

When people are offended or have their trust betrayed, especially by someone they care about, it is very hard for them to consider forgiveness for many reasons. Not only has their pride been wounded by the actions of another person, but they are also fearful of being hurt again, especially when the offender is someone they once trusted.

In more recent times people are less willing to forgive due to the prevalence of 'street reputation'. People may feel as though forgiving someone who has wronged them will make them seem weak to others, so they hold grudges with the belief that it is a display of power. It isn't. In fact, holding on to those negative feelings of hurt and anger and resentment are harmful to your well-being and can eventually lead to psychological difficulties.

How can we help?

While it would be ideal to forgive, forget and reconcile, in most cases it isn't possible. As people, our emotions are a large part of our humanity. It is difficult to push aside any emotional pain in order to apologise to the person who is responsible for our suffering. It is important not to rush into, or to be rushed on the journey to forgiveness. It takes time to get to a state of readiness to let go of all the negativity that another person has caused. If you are pressured into forgiving, you might say that you have let it go, but there may still be things that you have not worked through as yet and that can cause lingering feelings of resentment, which is unhealthy if you intend to continue your relationship with the other person.

People arrive at the decision to forgive via different routes. In some cases time, a clear mind and calm emotions are enough for someone to decide to let things go. Some people seek comfort and guidance from their faith and the use of prayer. Other people meditate or get physically active to focus their mind and think clearly. Whatever the method, reflection on the situation is key. Not only should your personal thoughts and feelings be considered, but also try to understand the thoughts and feelings of the other person. It is also a good idea to reflect on your relationship with the other person and decide whether or not you would like to repair and continue the relationship, or end it on a note of forgiveness.

Meditation, prayer, rest and relaxation are good ways to heal your own hurt.
The mental clarity that comes with these activities is also helpful when making the decision to forgive.

Try not to make any decisions about forgiveness when the pain is fresh or you are emotional. Take the time to calm down and make sure that your own feelings are under control before you decide that you are ready to forgive or not. It is also important not to approach any attempt at forgiveness with hostility. If you feel yourself becoming hostile, then you should pause and reflect on whether or not you are really able to let go of all the negativity that person has caused you to feel.

It is also important to forgive yourself. This is the hardest kind of forgiveness. Everyone makes mistakes and bad decisions in life. It's natural and human. Constantly blaming oneself for making the mistake is unhealthy, however. When the guilt you feel causes you pain, your pain makes you feel even guiltier and this leads to a downward spiral of thoughts and emotions. When you feel ready, admit to your actions. Take responsibility for the choices that you made, try to figure out why you acted the way you did at that point in time, and try to go through in your mind other alternative things you could have done which may have had a more positive result so that if faced with a similar situation in the future you will be prepared.

Just as with others, it is possible to forgive yourself without condoning, excusing or forgetting what you have done. It is also possible to reconcile with yourself. Don't let your anger, bitterness or disappointment about the decision you took overwhelm you. Once you can forgive yourself, you will be able to move past what happened in time and love yourself again.

Try to learn from your past experiences instead of blaming yourself for them.
Use the knowledge you gain to discover more about yourself.

Further Information:
Forgiveness: Letting go of grudges and bitterness
Wikipedia: Forgiveness
Psychology Today: Four Elements of Forgiveness
Caribbean Maritime: Great Leaders Know When to Forgive